hanging around the house with the dogs
A Little Vintage Find
We rearranged the furniture a little this weekend. I found some vintage looking books of Dad's and added them to the living room decor.
Working Late Today
My desk at the end of the day. I like the fluidity to this...it's hard to see where things begin and end -sort of symbolic for me at the moment.
Lola Love
Rough day today. Though my Lola-Bacon makes it hard for things to not get better when she's around.
Dear Dad Project -a new project I started
Through the Circus Score
I remember a moment at my Granny and Grandpa Harp's house, although I dont remember my exact age. It was before she and Grandpa added the extra space onto the back of the house. My father was standing at the breakfast bar where it separated the kitchen from the living space. I was in the living room near the TV and through the birdcage swing in between us, as he adjusted his glasses by gripping the outer rim at top and bottom with his thumb and middle finger pushing them further onto his nose, he said "One day you'll tell us how smart you'll think we are". Referring to the carnal way that children think their parents are harsh and never understand, forgetting that they once wore our shoes and walked along the very same pathways. Theres just been a few different stones and some new shrubbery added along the way. Not at all major things. Chalk it up to the deteriorating value of the dollar and the current fashion flare. Although the fashion at the time may constitute a better fit in the parents shoes than known. Fashion is just an undying circle anyway, constantly repeating itself. The ironic instant for the child lies in the moment they find themselves standing on the opposite side of the swing. In this moment, mirroring images flash by reveling details of how the child has become a mesh of their parents, more importantly in their likeness. Someone just the other day said "Howdy" in passing and I thought of my dad walking inside to visit family and also pronouncing Howdy through a smile, as he waved his hand into a semi-circle hello motion. I hear his voice, leaving my mouth when I stand up tactfully and proclaim that I am not getting what I have paid for, when I feel that I may be getting the run around. There are times that I realize I contort my mouth in the same way my mom does when shes stirring something in a pan or concentrating on something on a piece of paper -lips tight in a pout. Or the way I have a compulsive need to chew the ice left in my glass after the liquid it contained has been finished, just as my mother needs to do.
I'm not yet old enough to relinquish exactly how smart I think my parents are, just as in their eyes Ill always be the young one, the child, regardless of my age or maturity. Some things just remain unchanged. Though sometime in between the misunderstanding and the realization of where we now stand, I believe we honored the soul on the opposite of the swing in the pit our being where its quiet and we do our deep thinking. Its safe down there. We may not have always had easy times. However, I can see what I immaturely viewed years ago as them not just putting a kink or cramp in my life, but blowing it up and creating destruction. However, am now older and have had enough life experience to appreciate what at that time, I could not see though my naive sight.
I cannot honor enough the knowledge that I have a home in which to return modestly to the welcome mat, as loud as the circus music plays, that embraces me and doesnt ask questions as why I'm back and when I am leaving. Although my decisions and theirs may not collide, the belief that my family will be there if I fall with an outstretched hand, only then to brush the dirt off the spots on my body that I cannot see, is priceless. And if I do not fall, rather than pouting about how things did not unfold in their light, I have confidence that I will get a wave of support and a standing ovation still, and in that I get a bittersweet taste on my tongue. I carry around with me always and pull out more often than my family may realize the laughter, smiles and even tears taught and given by them and what they have provided.
Time breezes by as the days quickly fall from the calendar and its nice every now and again to remind those who walk with me, even when they are not there, that they do so. Its hard for me to list all of the moments that, only for lack of another possible action, I owe a humble thanks or acknowledgement. So I say simply thanks as the circus chant plays, something else I carry with me. I like that music that plays under the tent. I'm proud to say its part of what makes me who I am. I can't help but play it in the background of the personal boom box of my being. Along with the 'You Are My Sunshine' song that my dad sang to me while helping me to get ready for school, as I do the same while doing my own daughters hair in the morning. And the song my soul sings as I tuck her in by reading a book, because I was taught, by my mother's example the importance of reading to your children. I get an indescribable feeling knowing that I'm honoring my parents without initially realizing by passing on that which was passed on to me, in an eternal circle, at the close of a day and the beginning of the next. Now as I take my fathers spot on the opposite side of the swing, making sure to try and take notice of the added rocks and undergrowth, I can also see my parents' faces as they cross the parental graduation stage. Isnt this what constitutes the diploma on which I have printed the names of my parents? As part of joining my Dad on his side of the swing I realize it is the job of a parent to prepare the child for a life when the lead of a parent is not needed and helping them to become a valuable member of society. Our offspring are not owned property, only on loan. At some point I'm going to have to let go. I'm betting all my chips on my parents helping me through it. Hoping they wont let go of the whispered phrase, "I'll never stop being a parent", by showing me how to succeed in their light. I guess, somewhere inside the crazy circus score I found my voice saying "Mom, Dad. I finally get you, and understand all the moments that in the past left me confused and angry. I only hope to have your same success...I actually, think you're both pretty smart."
I'm not yet old enough to relinquish exactly how smart I think my parents are, just as in their eyes Ill always be the young one, the child, regardless of my age or maturity. Some things just remain unchanged. Though sometime in between the misunderstanding and the realization of where we now stand, I believe we honored the soul on the opposite of the swing in the pit our being where its quiet and we do our deep thinking. Its safe down there. We may not have always had easy times. However, I can see what I immaturely viewed years ago as them not just putting a kink or cramp in my life, but blowing it up and creating destruction. However, am now older and have had enough life experience to appreciate what at that time, I could not see though my naive sight.
I cannot honor enough the knowledge that I have a home in which to return modestly to the welcome mat, as loud as the circus music plays, that embraces me and doesnt ask questions as why I'm back and when I am leaving. Although my decisions and theirs may not collide, the belief that my family will be there if I fall with an outstretched hand, only then to brush the dirt off the spots on my body that I cannot see, is priceless. And if I do not fall, rather than pouting about how things did not unfold in their light, I have confidence that I will get a wave of support and a standing ovation still, and in that I get a bittersweet taste on my tongue. I carry around with me always and pull out more often than my family may realize the laughter, smiles and even tears taught and given by them and what they have provided.
Time breezes by as the days quickly fall from the calendar and its nice every now and again to remind those who walk with me, even when they are not there, that they do so. Its hard for me to list all of the moments that, only for lack of another possible action, I owe a humble thanks or acknowledgement. So I say simply thanks as the circus chant plays, something else I carry with me. I like that music that plays under the tent. I'm proud to say its part of what makes me who I am. I can't help but play it in the background of the personal boom box of my being. Along with the 'You Are My Sunshine' song that my dad sang to me while helping me to get ready for school, as I do the same while doing my own daughters hair in the morning. And the song my soul sings as I tuck her in by reading a book, because I was taught, by my mother's example the importance of reading to your children. I get an indescribable feeling knowing that I'm honoring my parents without initially realizing by passing on that which was passed on to me, in an eternal circle, at the close of a day and the beginning of the next. Now as I take my fathers spot on the opposite side of the swing, making sure to try and take notice of the added rocks and undergrowth, I can also see my parents' faces as they cross the parental graduation stage. Isnt this what constitutes the diploma on which I have printed the names of my parents? As part of joining my Dad on his side of the swing I realize it is the job of a parent to prepare the child for a life when the lead of a parent is not needed and helping them to become a valuable member of society. Our offspring are not owned property, only on loan. At some point I'm going to have to let go. I'm betting all my chips on my parents helping me through it. Hoping they wont let go of the whispered phrase, "I'll never stop being a parent", by showing me how to succeed in their light. I guess, somewhere inside the crazy circus score I found my voice saying "Mom, Dad. I finally get you, and understand all the moments that in the past left me confused and angry. I only hope to have your same success...I actually, think you're both pretty smart."
Rough Sunday
We buried Dad today. I left my box at the cemetery that I was working on, but didn't have finished in time to give to him. The car ride home was the longest trip home from Auburndale than any other that I can remember. And very quiet.
Thanksgiving
Final funeral home day for preparation was today. It's really a beautiful home...my brother said it reminded him of the movie My Girl. Oddly enough one of the girls that my parents went to high school and graduated with grew up in the house, not much different than the movie. Though she pointed out there was no crazy grandma. She no longer lives there, but her family still owns the business and because of the holiday she was there today. I'm sure my dad liked that. We're spending time sifting through Dad's life through boxes and pictures. My parents and their parents did an amazing job of saving and preserving things. There are priceless tangible items from my parents' lives and memories saved. I thought it would be nice to have these things there on Saturday. I'd really like it to be a celebration of him and his life here -a total emersion of my dad.
I am thankful for all that I have and carry with me.
Quiet in the Early am
Bad weekend...actually bad Sunday and feeling quiet into the very early part of Monday am. I'll be happy to see the early sun.
Adjective Rich Box
Working on a project for dad, which will hopefully be...I guess...adjective rich. Maybe it's my way of saying good-bye and thank you and telling him all of the things that I carry with me because of him...I don't know. My hope is to do it with color and texture and thoughts and memories while filling it with grace, humbleness, appreciation and gratitude.
This whole thing is rough. I'm not sure I know how to do this.
A Tree is Much Better Than Cut Flowers
Trees everywhere weep for cut flowers. They're already dead when you get them, however a tree that blooms with flowers will always be renewed with following blooms. We all know trees are living and I believe have and exchange an energy that is altered somewhat by their surroundings; much like we as people are changed by our life experiences. I think they could possibly save the world (minus the fact that we're all going to blow ourselves up with all the worldly fighting) if we would allow it and respected their role slightly; they feed the earth taking in and giving off life and energy. So I believe with conviction that if a moment or person is mixed in with that energy, it will always be with it and constantly renewed by nothing more than the tree's very essence.
I'm shopping for a really strong oak tree for my parents' front yard.
Saw the Grandparents Today
Went to visit my grandparents with the family today. I had to sneak away for a moment and I saw this in the bathroom. I thought looking at it that it would make a wonderful portrait. It's turned about pretty dark, maybe a little scary.
The time is dark.
It's so hard to see my dad so heartbroken and scared. I remember being a young child and my dad would make it better for me. I can relate to most if not all things that may break Lexi's heart. I can help her make it better because I've been where she's standing or close enough to understand. This isn't the case with my dad. I have no idea where he's standing and can't make it better.
I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.
Reminding myself as much as possible to be thankful and very, very grateful.
feeling a little sad today...and maybe a little lost
The heavy rocks in my stomach have called out their name. My heart shoots back and forth very quickly from being broken, to strong, to relieved and then back again to so very quietly broken. His words were much softer than usual but also very clear, precise and patient. And also very focused. I want to remember everything with a saturated amount of detail and breathe it and just bathe in it. I want it to walk with me. It has to, it's what I'm going to have left. He sounded strong and put together, but I also heard what sounded like a little relief but also fear and disappointment. I can't imagine being him and what it feels like being told your fate though you're helpless to it's outcome. Is he okay? It's not like he's in a coma lying in a hospital bed. He's just as coherent as me with just as many feelings and ability to express them as I do -specifically feelings of just not being done yet. I can't imagine anyone just being ready to go. How does that work exactly? The silent screaming in his head and heart must be overwhelming. How does your mind find the words to tell people that you love and have spent your life with, that you're not going be here anymore? I just didn't realize that I'd have so little time. I'm trying to think of everything that I can get in before we have no more. But should I even get things in? Should things remain the same? I just don't want to waste time. I feel like I've got to be strong; It's my role. I pull everyone together and it's what I do. It keeps my mind off what I don't want to think about. I'm planning, figuring out what will make things easy. He will be around. I honestly believe that. It is my strong belief that he will be around and see and know. I just don't know if that's enough, though I know I don't have a choice. I feel okay right now, but it's coming and I'm not going to be okay.
I'm scared.
Erika and Peter's Wedding
Went to a friend's wedding and reception today -I'm just so happy for them!
I just can't help myself...I love him everywhere we go.
I just can't help myself...I love him everywhere we go.
Coffee
morning coffee -We talked about my dad today. I haven't had the chance to really talk about it and how worried I really am. I really thought things were getting better, but in my stomach sit heavy rocks.
Pictures make me feel better and Lola was accommodating.
I love downtown...I'd really hate to live anywhere else.
It's Findley...
So it's post wedding and my goodness did it go by fast. Everyone said that it would, but I had no idea exactly how fast. Thoughts about the day:
My belly looked fat in my dress -from what pictures I have seen so far. Why did no one tell me this before I walked out there?! I'm just hoping Charity's photos can redeem the ones that I've seen.
I forgot my vows. Let's just say that saying our own vows went horribly wrong and we looked so silly...it was such a mess...But I guess that couldn't be more us.
It rained. Actually it poured, just after we finished our vows, which happened not as we intended them. Though I've been told that the rain is actually good luck -We'll see.
At the reception I was lost. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or where I was supposed to be. I felt like my body and mind were really in two separate places.
I LOVED my dress....though that was before I saw the big belly pictures.
There was a tip jar!! Yes a tip jar! Eric and I argued the day before the wedding about this. The tip jar argument was closely sandwiched between two other wedding related arguments.
All of my important people were there and I had such an amazing time, I think...it all just happened so fast. I wish I could have slowed it down a little so that I could have enjoyed it a little more and remembered some of the smaller, quieter moments.
Again, I'm just really lucky. I know this now and am ready to move forward and leave behind what won't help move us forward.
It's Here
It's wedding day today...
My vows...I'm going to forget them I'm sure and I'm thinking about adding something in about fries, but this is how I intended them to be:
I vow to talk to you before things get really bad and mistakes are made.
I vow to do my best to not take you for granted and remember that though it’s certainly not perfect, most people spend their lives looking for what we have, and hope that you can forgive me when I forget this.
I vow when I’m angry to try and take a step back and remember what your eyes look like looking at me…really it’s what behind your eyes. I’m never going to have anyone look at me with more love…and I vow to try and remember that anyone who can look at me like that still, is someone with another side to the story that I’m sure didn’t indent to hurt me.
I vow to walk away from your past, as well as mine and let go of all the things that I should have let go a long time ago but that I instead let creep up into my head and made problems appear. I vow to start a life with you leaving everything behind that isn’t going to help us move forward.
I vow to honor you and where you stand, even when I don’t agree with you and to accept you for who you are even when it is very different than me –and remember that it’s those differences that make us who we are and the essence of the other person that we love.
I vow to whole-heartedly trade all of the newness from the beginning of relationships that I will never have and am leaving behind for the comfort of you knowing me so many times better than I know myself and for the love with you that I will have for the rest of this lifetime and I believe after.
I vow to be there to pick you up, even when no one else will and when you’re wrong and I know it and I’d rather spit in your face….I will be there to pick you up.
Most importantly I vow to be here. I vow to be here when I really don’t want to, when it’s hard and when it’s easier to be somewhere else –I vow to be here.
My vows...I'm going to forget them I'm sure and I'm thinking about adding something in about fries, but this is how I intended them to be:
I vow to talk to you before things get really bad and mistakes are made.
I vow to do my best to not take you for granted and remember that though it’s certainly not perfect, most people spend their lives looking for what we have, and hope that you can forgive me when I forget this.
I vow when I’m angry to try and take a step back and remember what your eyes look like looking at me…really it’s what behind your eyes. I’m never going to have anyone look at me with more love…and I vow to try and remember that anyone who can look at me like that still, is someone with another side to the story that I’m sure didn’t indent to hurt me.
I vow to walk away from your past, as well as mine and let go of all the things that I should have let go a long time ago but that I instead let creep up into my head and made problems appear. I vow to start a life with you leaving everything behind that isn’t going to help us move forward.
I vow to honor you and where you stand, even when I don’t agree with you and to accept you for who you are even when it is very different than me –and remember that it’s those differences that make us who we are and the essence of the other person that we love.
I vow to whole-heartedly trade all of the newness from the beginning of relationships that I will never have and am leaving behind for the comfort of you knowing me so many times better than I know myself and for the love with you that I will have for the rest of this lifetime and I believe after.
I vow to be there to pick you up, even when no one else will and when you’re wrong and I know it and I’d rather spit in your face….I will be there to pick you up.
Most importantly I vow to be here. I vow to be here when I really don’t want to, when it’s hard and when it’s easier to be somewhere else –I vow to be here.
I know he won’t…but my wish is for him to read this. I’ve made such a mess as usual, and saying anything else would be too much…even though I know I’ve long surpassed that. I’d really just like to say thank you. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear even though it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. And for being a friend when a quick dismissal would have been so much easier. I’m not really sure what response I was seeking, and realize my honesty policy sometimes does no good for anyone (except make me feel better, because selfishly I think honestly equals good), specifically when no one is asking me for my thoughts. I’m sure it had everything to do with what was right for him and less to do with me or being a friend. I have so much more respect for him and know there's so much less for me. I also know he doesn’t realize that I was listening or even understood what he was saying. But I’d love for him to know that in fact I was. I did what I should have and it turned out so much better than I could have imagined and I realize how undeserving of this that I am. I want to say thank you for being a friend, even though that wasn’t the intention and for just being a decent human being...actually more than decent -really upstanding.
