The heavy rocks in my stomach have called out their name. My heart shoots back and forth very quickly from being broken, to strong, to relieved and then back again to so very quietly broken. His words were much softer than usual but also very clear, precise and patient. And also very focused. I want to remember everything with a saturated amount of detail and breathe it and just bathe in it. I want it to walk with me. It has to, it's what I'm going to have left. He sounded strong and put together, but I also heard what sounded like a little relief but also fear and disappointment. I can't imagine being him and what it feels like being told your fate though you're helpless to it's outcome. Is he okay? It's not like he's in a coma lying in a hospital bed. He's just as coherent as me with just as many feelings and ability to express them as I do -specifically feelings of just not being done yet. I can't imagine anyone just being ready to go. How does that work exactly? The silent screaming in his head and heart must be overwhelming. How does your mind find the words to tell people that you love and have spent your life with, that you're not going be here anymore? I just didn't realize that I'd have so little time. I'm trying to think of everything that I can get in before we have no more. But should I even get things in? Should things remain the same? I just don't want to waste time. I feel like I've got to be strong; It's my role. I pull everyone together and it's what I do. It keeps my mind off what I don't want to think about. I'm planning, figuring out what will make things easy. He will be around. I honestly believe that. It is my strong belief that he will be around and see and know. I just don't know if that's enough, though I know I don't have a choice. I feel okay right now, but it's coming and I'm not going to be okay.
I'm scared.
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