Rough Sunday

We buried Dad today. I left my box at the cemetery that I was working on, but didn't have finished in time to give to him. The car ride home was the longest trip home from Auburndale than any other that I can remember. And very quiet.

Thanksgiving

Final funeral home day for preparation was today. It's really a beautiful home...my brother said it reminded him of the movie My Girl. Oddly enough one of the girls that my parents went to high school and graduated with grew up in the house, not much different than the movie. Though she pointed out there was no crazy grandma. She no longer lives there, but her family still owns the business and because of the holiday she was there today. I'm sure my dad liked that. We're spending time sifting through Dad's life through boxes and pictures. My parents and their parents did an amazing job of saving and preserving things. There are priceless tangible items from my parents' lives and memories saved. I thought it would be nice to have these things there on Saturday. I'd really like it to be a celebration of him and his life here -a total emersion of my dad.

I am thankful for all that I have and carry with me.

Quiet in the Early am

Bad weekend...actually bad Sunday and feeling quiet into the very early part of Monday am. I'll be happy to see the early sun.

Adjective Rich Box

Working on a project for dad, which will hopefully be...I guess...adjective rich. Maybe it's my way of saying good-bye and thank you and telling him all of the things that I carry with me because of him...I don't know. My hope is to do it with color and texture and thoughts and memories while filling it with grace, humbleness, appreciation and gratitude.

This whole thing is rough. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

A Tree is Much Better Than Cut Flowers

Trees everywhere weep for cut flowers. They're already dead when you get them, however a tree that blooms with flowers will always be renewed with following blooms. We all know trees are living and I believe have and exchange an energy that is altered somewhat by their surroundings; much like we as people are changed by our life experiences. I think they could possibly save the world (minus the fact that we're all going to blow ourselves up with all the worldly fighting) if we would allow it and respected their role slightly; they feed the earth taking in and giving off life and energy. So I believe with conviction that if a moment or person is mixed in with that energy, it will always be with it and constantly renewed by nothing more than the tree's very essence.

I'm shopping for a really strong oak tree for my parents' front yard.

Saw the Grandparents Today

Went to visit my grandparents with the family today. I had to sneak away for a moment and I saw this in the bathroom. I thought looking at it that it would make a wonderful portrait. It's turned about pretty dark, maybe a little scary.

The time is dark.

It's so hard to see my dad so heartbroken and scared. I remember being a young child and my dad would make it better for me. I can relate to most if not all things that may break Lexi's heart. I can help her make it better because I've been where she's standing or close enough to understand. This isn't the case with my dad. I have no idea where he's standing and can't make it better.

I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.

Reminding myself as much as possible to be thankful and very, very grateful.

feeling a little sad today...and maybe a little lost

The heavy rocks in my stomach have called out their name. My heart shoots back and forth very quickly from being broken, to strong, to relieved and then back again to so very quietly broken. His words were much softer than usual but also very clear, precise and patient. And also very focused. I want to remember everything with a saturated amount of detail and breathe it and just bathe in it. I want it to walk with me. It has to, it's what I'm going to have left. He sounded strong and put together, but I also heard what sounded like a little relief but also fear and disappointment. I can't imagine being him and what it feels like being told your fate though you're helpless to it's outcome. Is he okay? It's not like he's in a coma lying in a hospital bed. He's just as coherent as me with just as many feelings and ability to express them as I do -specifically feelings of just not being done yet. I can't imagine anyone just being ready to go. How does that work exactly? The silent screaming in his head and heart must be overwhelming. How does your mind find the words to tell people that you love and have spent your life with, that you're not going be here anymore? I just didn't realize that I'd have so little time. I'm trying to think of everything that I can get in before we have no more. But should I even get things in? Should things remain the same? I just don't want to waste time. I feel like I've got to be strong; It's my role. I pull everyone together and it's what I do. It keeps my mind off what I don't want to think about. I'm planning, figuring out what will make things easy. He will be around. I honestly believe that. It is my strong belief that he will be around and see and know. I just don't know if that's enough, though I know I don't have a choice. I feel okay right now, but it's coming and I'm not going to be okay.

I'm scared.

Erika and Peter's Wedding

Went to a friend's wedding and reception today -I'm just so happy for them!


I just can't help myself...I love him everywhere we go.

Coffee

morning coffee -We talked about my dad today. I haven't had the chance to really talk about it and how worried I really am. I really thought things were getting better, but in my stomach sit heavy rocks.



Pictures make me feel better and Lola was accommodating.





I love downtown...I'd really hate to live anywhere else.